Colonel John 'Trapper' McIntyre
by PriscillaPal
Summary: An AU story. Frank Burns goes home instead of Trapper and the result earns Trapper a promotion to colonel, and full charge of the 4077th. But Trapper's growing relationship with Margaret, his own jealousy of BJ and an older man with his same name and life, make running things harder than normal.
1. Chapter 1

**BACKSTORY** \- This an alternate universe story, where in which it is Frank Burns that is sent home from the 4077th unit and not Trapper. A mistake in paperwork offers that horrifying reveal. Horrifying to Trapper, not so much to Burns.

Margaret Houlihan is left appalled and heartbroken, to see just how fast Frank hightails it out of the camp and out of her life. His fake promises of a life together go up in ashes before her very eyes.

Temporarily.

But the oddest thing that takes place after Frank Burns's exit and Henry Blake's death, is the announcement that John 'Trapper' McIntyre, will be promoted from Captain to 'Colonel'. and HE is given control of the M*A*S*H unit! It is not a position Trapper was looking for, especially under these circumstances, or especially wants, but he figures if he has to stay in the hell hole that is that is Korea, he might has well have some perks.

But he knows that there are things he does NOT know. And he is not above asking for help-from Margaret, who outright refuses at first(she finds his promotion appalling and beneath the dignity of the military), but then begins to see Trapper as a 'project'. Someone she can mold into a proper Army officer.

Trapper sees this as an opportunity to get closer to Margaret, now that Burns is gone. And of course, Hawkeye's new closeness with BJ Hunnicutt, has ruffled his feathers slightly, but that is not Trapper's biggest problem.

It is an older man, also a colonel and named Trapper John McIntyre(Pernell Roberts)...

* * *

Radar did not know what to think either, about Trapper's promotion. He was in deep mourning for Colonel Blake and yet at the same time, determined to carry on like Henry would have wanted. But at least Henry Blake knew **SOME** things about what needed to be done around here.

Trapper knew nothing and didn't seem interested in learning. He was pleased to have inherited Henry's liquor cabinet though. And Radar suspected that he also liked having a tent to himself. He wasn't sure, but he sensed a kind of falling out between Colonel McIntyre and Dr. Pierce.

Captain Hunnicutt seemed nice. Radar felt bad for him because it was clear that he missed his wife and daughter. Radar honestly thought he would make a good addition to the unit.

At the moment, Radar was attempting to play his bugle as the group came to attention. Colonel McIntyre was not in his yellow robe, for once, but Pierce and Hunnicutt were in sleepwear! Margaret eyed Hunnicutt. She had hoped for better from him, considering his background, but Hawkeye Pierce with his tomfoolery could be a heavy influence. She kept her eyes on Colonel McIntyre. He had a long haul ahead of him if he was going to make himself worthy of the rank of 'Colonel'. But breaking away from Pierce was a first, good positive step.

"First of all," Trapper began, "I want to have a moment of silence for Colonel Henry Blake. Most people here knew him and he was a good guy. So let's bow our heads, okay?"

Everyone did as they were told, even Pierce, who usually never did. But Henry's death hurt in a way that made him wish for incoming wounded, on the hour every hour, just so he could forget.

BJ had not known Henry, but the one thing he sensed immediately upon his arrival here, was deep loss. It frightened him, if the truth be told. All he wanted to do, was do his tour and get back to his wife, Peg and their little girl, Erin.

He lifted his head early to stare at Trapper, who's head was still bowed. BJ liked Hawkeye. They had an instant rapport from the moment he picked him to bring him here to the 4077th.

But from the moment he stepped foot here in this camp, he had been regaled with stories of Trapper's shenanigans(some funny, some made him feel sorry for whomever this Frank Burns was). That would've been understandable if Colonel McIntyre had indeed went home.

But all anyone could talk about was the 'mix-up'. How much 'fun' things were going to be here with Trapper in charge. BJ would've welcomed the levity that a Trapper-in-charge' camp would mean, if had not been for the 'Peg Picture' incident.

Somehow, a picture of his wife ended up on Hawkeye's bunk. The two of them had been looking at it and then incoming wounded came in. The picture was not put back properly and when they returned to their tent, beat and ready for some sleep, they found Trapper there, looking at it and asking Hawkeye if Peg was the nurse, that had gotten some of his 'hair' stuck in her teeth.

And Trapper had not been referring to the hair on Hawkeye's head.

BJ had punched Trapper without thinking! He couldn't help it. They had been in surgery for almost ten hours straight and to find someone who was **SUPPOSED** to be a commanding officer, in his tent and oogling a picture of his wife, was a bit much.

Hawkeye had tried to run interference and that seemed to offend Trapper. BJ didn't like Colonel McIntyre and he also didn't like that somehow, he had come between him and Hawkeye.

The moment ended and Hawkeye lifted his head to watch his friend, who he really hoped wasn't truly a former one, continue to try and keep up morale. He didn't know what he was going to do about getting Trapper and BJ to mend fences somehow. But the three of them would not survive in this camp with this level of on going hostility.

"Now," Trapper continued, "for all of you that have been following the rules, keep up the good work. For those of you that haven't, straighten up and fly right. Dismissed!" Trapper called out and everyone began to disperse. Hawkeye made his way over to Trapper.

"How long are you going to keep this up?" Hawkeye asked pointedly.

"How long am I going to keep what up?" Trapper asked, feigning innocence. "You mean where I don't talk to your new best friend over there?"

"Oh come on, Trap! You made a pretty salacious remark about his wife!"

"I didn't know it was his wife, Hawkeye! I told him that and he slugged me! I could have him put in the stockade for that!"

"Really? Trapper, come on! Don't let this promotion go to your head, okay? You were wrong and you didn't really give Beej much of an apology."

"He's 'Beej' now? You've known him what? A couple of days?" Trapper asked in disgust.

"You know, I came back here from Tokyo to find that you had actually left here without saying goodbye. I had that in my thoughts as I went to pick up BJ. We then barely made it back here without getting killed! So excuse me if I bonded with the guy!" Hawkeye now shouted.

"This is what this fake friendship is really all about though, isn't it? I didn't have time to say goodbye! For the love of Pete, Hawkeye, I **DIDN'T** go home, Burns did and **WE** should be running this camp! But your 'boy scout' buddy over there would probably slug me over that!" Trapper snapped in reply before walking off towards his office.

When he arrived, Radar had some papers for him to sign and he had no idea what they meant. But he decided that Radar also wouldn't let him look like a fool.

"Also, the new doctor to replace Burns has arrived." Radar reminded him. Trapper stared at him blankly and Radar realized that he was not 'reminding' Colonel McIntyre. This apparently was the first time he was hearing about it!

"New doctor? Already?"

"Yeah he's here from Tokyo General." Radar said, handing him the file on Major Charles Winchester. Trapper barely glanced at it. His credentials looked good, that's all he cared about.

"Where is he?" Trapper asked, opening up the liquor cabinet he had inherited from Henry.

"Outside. I'll send him in, sir." Radar said, eyeing the whiskey bottle Trapper had pulled out. Colonel McIntyre looked slightly hung over from just the night before. Maybe he shouldn't be drinking?

Radar went out to get Major Winchester, who looked as unhappy as any soldier he had ever seen.

"Colonel McIntyre will see you, Major." Radar said politely.

"He most certainly will!" Winchester said in a pompous tone. He marched into the Colonel's office and took in Trapper. This man who was supposedly his superior, looked distinctly hung over.

"Colonel."

"Yeah, Major Winchester...look, I won't go into a long spiel here. Keep your nose clean and you'll do alright here. All I want to know is if you want to be called 'Charlie' or 'Chuck'?"

"Neither," Winchester said blithely, "And I prefer 'Major'."

"Oh well, excuse me then, 'Major'. I'll have Radar escort you to your tent."

"What is a 'Radar'?" Winchester asked contemptuously.

Trapper decided in that instant, that he liked this Winchester about as much as he did Hunnicutt!

"Radar is the kid that showed you in here. We call him that for a reason that he can explain, or not explain, to you. But if you ever use that tone of voice again when referring to him, I'll have you transferred someplace worse than this!"

"And that would be where, from the looks of things?" Winchester asked coolly.

Trapper stood up and began to call out Radar's name, but he showed up before he could be called.

"Yes, Colonel?"

"Show the Major here to his new quarters. And introduce him to his new roommates." Trapper now grinned. Oh this Winchester was going to **LOVE** Hawkeye!

* * *

Margaret began to undress so she could change into a cleaner Army uniform. The one she had just been wearing was still soaked with her tears. Tears from crying over a man that wasn't worth crying over.

Tears were a stupid, useless waste of time. And she was through shedding them. Especially for Frank 'Needle Nose' Burns. Her thoughts moved from Frank to Trapper, who was now a Colonel. The idea of it was appalling and yet he had asked for her guidance. And that made her think that despite outward appearances, Colonel McIntyre did indeed intend to act the part.

She turned to face the mirror and removed her bra. Her firm, full breasts were released from their restricting confinement and Margaret looked around for another bra. Finding one in a nearby drawer, she turned back to face the mirror only to find Trapper's reflection in the mirror!

"Colonel! I am going to have to insist you leave this instant!" Margaret hissed. She should have known he would be worse than Henry Blake had been! Granted, Henry would've never dared come into her tent in this manner, but still!

"I'm here asking for help. You said you'd help me, Margaret." Trapper reminded her, as his eyes roved over her appreciatively.

"With running this camp and nothing else!" Margaret snapped. But she was fighting her own conflicting emotions in the moment. She had always been wildly attracted to Captain McIntyre and she suspected she might have told him that...when she was drunk. She ignored the urge to allow him to have his way with her at this point in time. Things were too muddled these days around here anyway. Sleeping with him wasn't going to make things any better for anyone.

Trapper watched her in her beautiful fury, as she covered her unclad breasts with her hands, protectively. He didn't want to play anymore games with her. He also didn't want to make any promises that he couldn't keep. He would not be leaving his wife or children for her. This was war and war made strange bedfellows. And right now, all he wanted to do was kiss her pouty, pink lips...

Trapper ignored her warnings and reached out to cup her face within his hands. Margaret, as if under a spell, responded when he kissed her tenderly. She shamefully began to relax as his lips parted hers in a searching manner, and his hands moved from her face and down to her back, pressing her closer to him.

It was when Trapper's lips left hers and moved to the concave of her neck, that common sense kicked back in. She suddenly shoved him away!

"Get off of me and get out of here!" Margaret yelled again and resumed to covering her breasts with her hands.

"Come on, Margaret! There is something between us. Are you going to lie to me about that?"

Margaret said nothing at first, then sighed.

"I will agree there is a tiny bit of something. But I resent your coming in here as if you're going to take up where Frank left off. You're married."

"And I plan to stay that way." Trapper told her.

"Then nothing is going to happen between us." Margaret said bluntly.

"But...what would it take for you to change your mind about that? At least once?" Trapper asked coyly. Margaret eyed him, looking him up and down for a moment, before she answered.

"I'll tell you what, 'Colonel'. **YOU** straighten up and fly right. Act like the Colonel this place deserves. And I will consider letting you spend one night here. Or two. **NOW GET OUT**!" she yelled.

"I accept the terms!" Trapper said before turning to leave her tent. He gave her one last lustful look before walking out of her door. Once outside, he allowed the fresh air to clear his head. Did he or didn't he? Could he act like a real Colonel? Even better than Henry Blake just to get Margaret Houlihan to give him a chance?

Those thoughts were put on hold as an ambulance came roaring up! Trapper hurried over to it, along with Winchester, who had apparently gotten settled in. The driver got out and opened the back door so that Winchester could get a look at the patient. It was an older man with the uniform of a colonel!

"He's from the 4076th! He was found out in the road!" the driver explained.

"Probably sniper fire," Trapper guessed, "let's get him prepped for surgery."

But this patient would not be like any other. And his presence in the 4077th would cause a lot of confusion and strife-because his name was also Colonel John 'Trapper' McIntyre.


	2. Chapter 2

Word began to spread around the 4077th, that another 'Trapper' was in the camp. Trapper began calling around, figuring someone had made a terrible mistake, but when Winchester, on his post-op rounds, spoke to this colonel, the man did not back down. He insisted, quietly, that his name was John 'Trapper' McIntyre.

But the person that was the most shocked, was Margaret. And it wasn't because he was claiming to be Trapper. It was because she had seen him before. And the circumstances were anything but pleasant.

Colonel Trapper John of the 4076th and was exactly fifty-two years old and there had been one time, when he would have fought against the system and any war that was associated with it.

He had once been in the army, long ago and had actually volunteered to help in Korea. His wife had left him but they were still friendly...probably more friendly than most divorced couples. His children were grown and suddenly being the Chief Medical surgeon at a prestigious hospital, was not enough. Some said he was going through a mid-life crisis. 'Older Trapper' disagreed with the assessment. If anything, he felt more alive than ever.

It was shocking when Margaret Houlihan walked into post-op to check on him after his surgery. Their eyes locked and she understood that he would keep her secret. But when she moved on to the soldier in the next bed, Trapper allowed his mind to wander back to his first 'meeting' with the attractive, blonde nurse.

He had been in his jeep, headed back to camp, when a scream pierced through the air. Trapper stopped the vehicle and looked around cautiously. He was a doctor, not a soldier, so he was barely prepared for whatever could be behind that scream. Were North Koreans chasing someone? Someone he should help get away?

What came into his line of vision, was a beautiful young body, nude, with healthy breasts bobbing as she came running towards him. Trapper knew he was wrong to remember her body alone, since she had been distraught, but it was the first thing that caught his attention.

She ran right into his arms, her blonde hair whipping around in a fury. Trapper realized that he had not saved her from harm necessarily. The woman insisted that she needed to be driven back where her clothes were and he put his own army jacket around her, then did what he was told.

When he took the blonde woman, whom he now knew was Nurse Margaret Houlihan, back to some shady spot under a tree, there were signs that someone else had been there with her. Someone who had not cared enough to keep her from running off in a state of undress.

Trapper came back into the here and now, as Margaret returned to him, looked around and sat down next to him.

"How are you?" Trapper asked. He was able to sit up some.

"I should be asking you that. I should also be asking you what your real name is." Margaret said pointedly.

"Ah. Yes, I've heard the scuttlebutt. I don't know what to make of it either but I have always been John McIntyre. Trapper is a nickname."

"It is also the nickname of the Colonel here, Colonel." Margaret said, trying not to sound breathless. She had called over to the 4076th and heard nothing but good things about the way this Dr. McIntyre ran things. He was admired and respected.

Older Trapper reached for her hand.

"I now know that the woman that ran into my arms is Major Margaret Houlihan and she is the chief nurse here at the 4077th. I am glad to see you in one piece, Margaret." Trapper said with soft sincerity.

Margaret looked around to see if anyone was watching this Colonel hold her hand, but saw no one was really looking at them. And she actually didn't want to pull her hand away.

"I want to thank you for the kindness you showed me during my 'meltdown'. But I am fine and perfectly capable of seeing to your needs here." Margaret said primly.

"Major, I was not trying to imply that you're not." Trapper said just as BJ entered post op and watched them. No one around here could talk about anything else. That this older colonel from another camp, had Colonel McIntyre's same name, similar credentials and that all of that had to be some kind of mistake.

BJ was taking over for Charles, who was an insufferable boor, when he was not an excellent surgeon. He pasted on a friendly smile and approached 'Older Trapper' and Margaret. Margaret immediately pulled her hand away and stood up.

"Doctor, I was just checking on the patient."

"I see." BJ said simply, not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable. "How are you feeling, Colonel?"

Trapper sat up.

"Like I was never shot. You do good work here, doctor."

"I can't take the credit for your recovery but I do agree." BJ smiled. Margaret excused herself to see to another patient and BJ sat down in her chair.

"I know this is none of my business..." BJ began, but Trapper cut him off.

"I know what you're going to ask. I think it is 'strange' myself that your new colonel and myself, have the same exact birth name and nickname. I don't see it as any big deal. And I won't be here long to keep tongues wagging." Trapper said, smiling softly.

"How long have you been a colonel?" BJ asked.

"Longer than your colonel, from what I hear." Trapper said.

"Yeah, well, I'm new here so I don't know much about him." BJ said glibly.

"And you don't like him much either, I gather?" Trapper asked. "I don't mean to pry."

"Let's just say there's been some strife. But I'm sure we'll get past it. We'll have to." BJ said now standing up. "Your recovery IS amazing. I would suggest getting up and walking around a bit. You should be able to return to the 4076th in few days."

"Thank you, Dr. Hunnicutt." Trapper said simply, just as the 'Younger Trapper' walked in. Everyone now looked at them and BJ decided to make himself scarce. Margaret, who had just finished checking the vitals on a patient, watched as well.

Trapper walked over and picked up the clipboard attached to the Older Trapper's bed. He had heard himself being referred to as 'Younger Trapper' around here. At least he had that going for himself!

"Well, 'Older Colonel Trapper', how are you feeling today?" Trapper asked, looking over the papers on the clipboard.

"You can just address me as 'Colonel', Colonel." Older Trapper suggested patiently.

"Hmmm. Yeah, I could. You know I've been calling all around and hearing good things about you. You know our wives have the same first name. Can you believe that?" Trapper asked sarcastically. BJ and Margaret snuck glances at one another.

"I have an ex-wife. Is there something you want to say to me, Colonel?" Older Trapper asked.

Trapper slammed the clipboard down!

"I don't need this! First, I'm told I'm going home to see my wife and kids! Then I'm told it was a mistake and I'm sent back here! My commanding officer is killed and somehow running this camp falls into my hands! Now someone is playing a sick joke on me with your coming in here with my identification! I'm taking this to the highest level, pal!"

Trapper then turned and skulked out of post op! He returned to his office to find Radar and Hawkeye waiting for him in the outer office. He ignored them and went into his own office. He headed straight for the liquor cabinet.

Hawkeye eased in.

"I don't suppose I can get in on that?" Hawkeye asked carefully. Trapper brought out another glass, then sat down to pour. He pushed a glass towards Hawkeye.

"Look," Hawkeye began, "I know this whole thing seems like it's another reality or something. But this man, this colonel being here with your same name is just a coincidence. Charles said he's recovering nicely. He'll be out of here before you know it and then we can go on with our miserable lives here."

He sat down in a chair and downed his drink. He noticed that Trapper had not touched his.

"His ex wife's name is Melanie. My wife's name is Melanie! This isn't a coincidence and it isn't funny anymore! So if this is some campwide joke that you're spearheading, you need to cut it short or I'll take steps to shut it down myself!"

Hawkeye slowly stood up.

"You think I did this?"

"You and your new buddy! I don't know if Chuck Winchester is in on this as well, but keep it up and I'll start acting like a real colonel around here!" Trapper threatened.

"Oh is that a promise?"

"What does **THAT** mean?"

"It means stop acting as if BJ Hunnicutt is your enemy! You insulted him and a real 'colonel' wouldn't be treating him like he was dirt under his feet! I can't make you see that he's an okay guy, I get that! But for all I know, this whole 'Two Trappers' thing is some kind of sick joke perpetrated by **YOU**!"

Trapper blinked in shock!

"You think I would come up with a prank that makes **ME** look stupid? I love it! I just love it! Get out of here, Hawkeye! The liquor cabinet is closed to you for good and don't come in here unless you have real business to discuss!"

Hawkeye turned and stomped out of the office. Radar tried to stop him!

"Captain, he doesn't mean it! But he's scared! I don't think this whole thing is a prank either!" Radar said fearfully. That made Hawkeye pause.

"What are you saying? How could there be two of them?"

"I don't know but I was thinking that maybe this is a joke that's not meant to be a joke, you know?" Radar suggested.

"You mean someone is trying to run Trapper out of here? Maybe make it seem like he's the fake?" Hawkeye asked. Radar nodded, just as Margaret barged in!

"Is he in there?" Margaret asked huffily. Radar nodded but Hawkeye tried to run interference.

"Margaret, whatever he isn't doing right, cut him some slack, okay?" Hawkeye suggested. "This whole impostor Trapper thing is really getting to him."

"I'll have you know that Colonel McIntyre from the 4076th is not an 'impostor'. Now don't you have another still to build or why don't you find a nurse to fool around with?" she suggested sardonically before entering Trapper's office. She watched him down a drink and she walked over and took the glass from him!

"Hey! I was drinking that!"

"It looked as if you were finished." Margaret said, setting the glass on a table. Trapper stood up.

"What is it, Margaret? Don't tell me you have an opinion about 'Old Trapper' as well?"

"First of all, there is nothing fake about this man. I visited the 4076th recently. I saw this man's unit and the doctors under him. They are ten times more professional than the ones here."

Trapper eyed her.

"When were you at the 4076th?"

Margaret took a deep breath before speaking.

"The day Frank dumped me. He was in charge once Colonel Blake left. We drove to a spot where in which I thought he was going to tell me something completely different than he did. What he did tell me, upset me so much that I ran off, distraught. Colonel McIntyre from the 76th found me, had me examined at his unit and sent me back here. He is the real deal and deserves to be shown some respect around here, Colonel." Margaret said stoutly.

Trapper rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"You're hot for him, that's why you suddenly want him respected! I'm going to tell you what I told Hawkeye: I don't care where you visited or what you saw, someone is playing a sick joke on me to undermine my authority! And when I find out who it is, I'm going to take steps to make sure they're court martialed!"

Margaret just stared at him.

"What?" Trapper asked. Suddenly, Margaret closed the space between them and found herself in his arms!

"Oh Colonel," she breathed, "You sounded like a man in charge...finally!"

Trapper's mouth found hers and Margaret met his kisses eagerly, before they stopped for a moment to catch their respective breaths.

"Tonight? Your tent?" Trapper asked carefully.

"My tent. Late." Margaret moaned.


	3. Chapter 3

Margaret surreptitiously left Trapper's office tent, and made her way back to her own. Once inside, she wondered if she had let passion overrule her common sense? She had just told Trapper he would be welcome in her tent tonight.

She shook her head and sat down in front of her dressing table, staring at her reflection. Was this whole Old Trapper vs. Young Trapper, some kind of sick joke? If it was, then it was an insurrection. And attempt to undermine the new Colonel's authority.

There was a knock on her door and Margaret called out for the person to enter. She was surprised to see the older Trapper John.

"Colonel? I just left you! You should take a day before you begin walking around." Margaret admonished. But Trapper waved her off gently.

"I'm fine. I'm not fine with what's going on here. There's a lot of gossip in the post op ward." The older Trapper noted. Margaret felt a bit ashamed. It was the nurses.

"I'm sorry, Colonel, I am in charge of the nurses and I should be staunching that. But to be fair, the gossip had turned into something else." Margaret said pointedly.

Trapper nodded, moving in closer to her.

"Yes, that is actually why I'm here. I thought it might help if I spoke to your Colonel?"

"You did that already and it just upset him. You're recovering nicely and soon you'll be on your way. It will blow over." Margaret advised.

Older Trapper nodded, glancing around her tent for a moment, before bringing up another topic.

"Major, you are thought of highly by my head nurse, Clara Willoughby."

Margaret smiled.

"Yes, 'Starch' and I go way back. She trained me."

"So she said. We could use a nurse like you over at the 76th."

"Colonel, I was there, remember? Clara runs a tight ship over there. You couldn't be in better hands." Margaret reminded him.

No, she was right, the Older Trapper thought. But Margaret Houlihan was the most beautiful woman he had met in a long while. And he was interested in getting to know her better. Away from the 4077th.

Trapper reached out and touched her chin.

"How about you keep my offer in mind, in case things get to be too much around here again, alright?" he asked gently. Margaret knew he was alluding to how they met. She nodded, sensing that he was not judging her and melted under his tenderness. In an odd way, Margaret hoped that one day when the 4077th Trapper got to be his age, **HE** would be like this.

The Older Colonel's hands now dropped to her waist.

"Why don't we have a drink? Over at your officer's club? I can regale you with tales of woe and intrigue over at the 4076th."

Margaret smiled. Her pulse beat warmly at just his nearness.

"Colonel, I don't think that's a good idea. But I will give you a tour of the unit instead."

The older Colonel nodded in agreement and he let go of her to allow her to leave the tent first. At the same time, Hawkeye was heading towards the officer's club when he spotted Margaret and the Trapper Impostor leaving her tent. The impostor's arm quickly enclosed around Margaret's waist as they walked off in the opposite direction. Hawkeye shook his head and entered the club.

BJ and Winchester were already sitting at a table when Hawkeye joined them.

"It looks like Margaret has clearly picked a side." Hawkeye griped.

"What are you talking about?" Winchester asked blithely.

"I just saw Fake Trapper coming out of her tent! They're walked off looking cozy someplace."

BJ gave Winchester a look that Hawkeye noticed.

"What?" Hawkeye asked. "What's with that look?"

"Hawk, you should stop calling him an impostor, okay? He was shot, we patched him up and he'll be gone. I think our own Colonel McIntyre is making way too much of this."

"I've heard good things about the 4076th under the 'impostor'. It's run like a well oiled machine. Unlike this place." Winchester sniffed.

"I know you guys haven't known Trapper as long as I have, but he has every reason to be upset here! I just left him and he's talking court martial!"

"Of whom?" Winchester asked in disbelief. Hawkeye looked at BJ.

"He thinks it's us, Beej...and maybe you too, Charles."

"He thinks it's us, what?" BJ asked, now feeling annoyed. But somehow he knew.

"Trapper thinks this is a big prank being pulled on him by us. And if we don't cut it out, we'll be court martialed."

"That is just ludicrous!" Charles snapped. "I barely know the man, nor do I care enough to waste brain cells on planning a trick to be played upon him. Does he not remember that the day this whole thing started, was my first day here?"

But BJ was calm.

"You know what? We're going to have to get down to the bottom of this ourselves, just to save our own necks. Colonel McIntyre... **OUR** colonel, is too hysterical to sift through this mess himself." BJ said.

"I think 'hysterical' is a strong term." Hawkeye said defensively.

"So is court martial." Charles told him. "I'm afraid our esteemed Dr. Hunnicutt is right. If we want to save our hides, we will have to find out how this mistake came to be."

"If it is a mistake." BJ said. Hawkeye was about to disagree with his new friend again, but it hit him that what Trapper was afraid of was starting to come to fruition.

People were beginning to doubt that Trapper was the legitimate one around here.

* * *

Margaret finished the tour with an inspection of the vehicle shed. The Older Trapper looked around...

"I see you don't have a snow plow?"

"Well, no, but we've been fortunate so far." Margaret explained.

"Come on, Margaret. People like you and I don't take chances by telling ourselves we've been lucky. We could have one hell of a winter here and from the looks of things, the 4077th could be snowed in."

"I'll speak to Colonel McIntyre about it." Margaret said primly.

"Well don't tell him it was my suggestion." he noted wryly.

"Colonel, everyone is well aware of how our Colonel came to have his post." Margaret began.

The Older Trapper gave her a brief, sympathetic look.

"Ah, yes. The death of Colonel Blake. Were you close to him?"

"No. I liked him and his death crushed me, but the way he ran things here was so exasperating! I hope that under new leadership that things can get better around here."

"New, meaning someone other than your Colonel McIntyre?" The Older Trapper asked.

"My hope is that he can improve." Margaret said generously.

"And if he doesn't?" The older Trapper asked, moving slowly towards her until she was forced back against the shed wall. He suddenly took her in his arms and found her lips in a hard, forceful kiss. And just as she had the first time the Younger Trapper had kissed her in her tent, Margaret melted for a moment and began to let him have his way with her.

Then sense kicked in. She gently broke off the kiss.

"Colonel, I am flattered by your interest in me, but I just ended a rather traumatic..."

"I would call it 'ridiculous', actually." The Older Trapper said. Margaret slapped him for that remark, then found herself quickly locked in his arms as his lips seared hers possessively.

That is what 4077th Trapper quietly walked in on, when he entered the vehicle hut. He backed out, livid! But not at Margaret.

This fake him had stolen his identification **AND** his girl!

Trapper planned for this guy to leave today, whether he was well or not! His recovery was so 'miraculous', he was beginning to doubt he actually had been shot! After all, he hadn't operated on him.

Winchester had. Winchester, who Trapper barely knew.

Trapper returned to his office and walked over to Radar.

"Radar, I want you to go to the vehicle hut. The Fake me is in there with Major Houlihan. I want you to tell him his unit is in trouble and he needs to get back there today."

Radar didn't quite understand.

"Uh, sir, how do you know this?"

"Know what?"

"That his unit is in trouble? Sir, I can't just give him a message like that!"

"You can, Radar and you will! He'd never believe it if I did it. Just say anything! Say they were attacked or that they've had a smallpox breakout. Just say something that will send him packing, okay?" Trapper said and walked out of the tent. Radar stared after his new Colonel in confusion, but figured maybe it was better to do as he asked. Then when this other Colonel Trapper left, this one could go back to acting like normal.

* * *

Margaret had heard someone approaching and broke off the embrace she was immersed in with the Older Trapper.

Radar apologized for interrupting, then told the Older Colonel McIntyre that he had a message from the 4076th: General Sherman Potter was going to be paying them a visit and he needed to return-pronto!

Margaret could barely hide her excitement! General Potter was a friend of her father, Alvin 'Howitzer' Houlihan! She would love to see him again! She was going to ask Young Trapper for permission to accompany the Older Colonel Trapper, back to the 4076th!

Radar left the two of them alone in the tent, albeit reluctantly, since he sensed something inappropriate had been going on. Once he left, Margaret could barely hide her glee!

"I knew General Potter when he was just a colonel! Oh how I envy you! I'd love to be by your side when you meet him!"

"Why don't I ask your commanding officer for permission for you to accompany me back to the 4076th?" the Older Trapper asked.

"No...I'd better ask him myself!" Margaret beamed, before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him passionately. Her senses soared from the prospect of seeing General Potter again and being in this man's arms.

The Older Trapper gave her one last, soft kiss, before leaving the shed. Margaret waited a few moments, then exited herself, hurrying towards her tent! She would pack, then ask Trapper to go...or should she ask Trapper if she could go and then pack?

She threw open her tent door and got the surprise of her life.

Trapper was standing inside, naked. His engorged lust waiting for her.

"Come here." he said softly as his eyes roamed over her intimately. Margaret suddenly forgot Sherman Potter in that moment, as she floated into his arms. His mouth took hers in a kiss so devastating, that she felt her knees buckle before they both sank to the floor of her tent.

Meanwhile, Winchester reluctantly signed off on allowing Older Colonel McIntyre to leave and a guard was commissioned to drive him back. And while all of this was going on, Margaret Houlihan yielded to Trapper's intense, body wracking penetrations. Her moans were timed with each movement of his naked desire, stirring deeply within her.

Needless to say, Trapper and Margaret had had their 'late night tent' visit, hours early.


	4. Chapter 4

"How could you be so stupid?!" Margaret yelled at Trapper. They, along with Hawkeye, were with Trapper in his office. Radar was in the next room trying to pretend as if he were not listening!

"Hey! I just wanted to get the guy out of here! How was I supposed to know that it went against 'rules', to claim that a general was waiting to meet with a colonel? I mean what is the big deal?" Trapper huffed.

"The big deal is that Radar is being blamed for it! He's the company clerk that gave 'Older Trapper' that fake message. Winchester released this Colonel early, against his better judgment! So he goes back to his camp thinking he's going to meet a general, doesn't, and relapses!" Hawkeye shouted. What bothered him the most about this whole damned thing was Radar! There was talk of having him court martialed and the poor little guy was scared to death!

"Stop yelling at me, both of you! I said I'd fix this and I will! Now both of you get of here!" Trapper growled. Hawkeye left quickly, knowing that if he stayed in that office one more minute, he'd say something he regretted.

Like he hadn't already.

Margaret was mixed up in all of this, Hawkeye sensed. She was not in that office to give him her usual 'Unbecoming of an Officer' routine. Something else was going on. He suspected Margaret was involved with the Older Trapper. That he could understand. He was her type. Older and authoritative. A colonel.

But he could not understand Trapper's hurry to get the Older Trapper out of here. He was on the mend and would've been gone in one or two days, tops. It made Hawkeye think that Trapper had had another reason for wanting the older colonel out of here, tout suite.

That reason being Margaret. His mind went back to how cozy she had looked with the Older Trapper. And it was right after Hawkeye noticed this, that Radar is told by 'Young' Trapper, to tell this man that General Potter was waiting for him at the 4076th.

Meanwhile, Trapper and Margaret had a stare down.

"What, Margaret? What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to go to the 76th and tell Colonel McIntyre what you did! I'll go with you! But Radar can't take the blame for this!"

Trapper was about to say something, but he then clamped his mouth shut. Margaret and Hawkeye were right. Something had to be done and quickly. An investigator was coming any day now, to ask everyone what they knew. Trapper didn't want this thing getting that far.

"Fine. I'll go. I'll leave an officer in charge."

"I think I should go too."

"No, Margaret! Look, I did what I did because I thought he was getting too familiar with you, okay? I don't want him pawing you there."

"He wasn't 'pawing' me, Colonel. You're married. I am single. I was just being friendly. You can't tell an investigator that you thought a highly, respected colonel was 'pawing' one of your staff."

"So you want me to tell them that you wanted to be pawed?" Trapper retorted.

"I want you to tell him the truth: that you were jealous!" Margaret huffed. Trapper's eyes narrowed at her words.

"Come on, Margaret! Would a 'real' colonel admit to being jealous? That would be unmanly...at least to you."

Margaret walked up to him and dusted some imaginary lint off of his shirt.

"Colonel, we need to go to the 4076th, together, and let the other Colonel McIntyre know that this should just stay between us. That this was a friendly mistake."

"And I said, I'll go. There's no need for you come along."

"You have no diplomatic skills! Are you going to talk to him like you did when he was in post-op? You hate him and it shows! He doesn't hate me. And I think he will listen if I'm there to help smooth things over."

"No! Now how many times do I have to say it? No, no, no!" Trapper insisted. Margaret leaned in to whisper something in his ear. When she pulled her mouth away from him, he smiled.

"Maybe you're right. Two against one. That should do the trick." he said, just as Radar walked in. His face was pinched and red looking.

"You shouldn't have made me lie!" Radar yelled. And Trapper could not remember Radar ever yelling!

"Calm down, calm down. Radar, nothing is going to happen to you. Nothing is going to happen to me or Margaret or anyone here. I will take care of this. I'm just going to take a little drive over to the 4076th, and tell Fake Colonel Trapper that I told you to lie and it'll all die down. It will be one Colonel talking to another. Easy peasy. Smooth sailing." Trapper said, smiling at Radar.

Margaret watched Radar closely. He did seem to relax a bit. She added her two cents.

"The colonel is right, Radar. He is going to go over and make sure that everyone understands this was just a little misunderstanding. I will be accompanying Colonel McIntyre to speak with the other Colonel McIntyre and then everything will go back to normal around here, alright?"

Radar stared at the two of them. They did seem sure that nothing bad was going to happen to him because of that lie. He nodded reluctantly.

"Okay, Colonel McIntyre, Major Houlihan. If you say so."

"We do. Now go out there and get someone from the 4076th on the line, and let them know that the REAL Colonel McIntyre and Major Margaret Houlihan, are coming for a visit." Trapper said with a grin. Radar grinned back and left the office but once he did, Trapper's grin faded. Margaret smiled at him, pulling on his army green lapel.

"You sounded like a colonel just now." she said, looking at him naughtily.

"I did my damnedest, since you told me you wouldn't be wearing underwear on the drive over." Trapper smiled.

* * *

Hawkeye slammed into the swamp, annoying BJ, who was reading a medical journal, and incensing Winchester, who was listening to an opera recording. BJ put the journal down the moment he noticed the look on his face.

The noise was the impetus for Charles turning off his recording. BJ stood up.

"Well? What did Trapper have to say? Does he have a plan to get Radar out of the trouble he put him in?" BJ asked.

The way BJ worded that suddenly made Hawkeye feel tired. Tired of being the go-between for his two friends. His two best friends in Korea. BJ should have been in Trapper's office with him, trying to come up with some way to get Radar out of this mess. But it was clear that Beej was only concerned for Radar. Hawkeye could not seem to make him understand Trapper was in trouble here as well.

Then something came to mind. An idea of sorts to have a 'do over'. BJ was still sore about the 'Peg Picture' incident. Trapper was ticked off about being lead on to believe he was going home, his promotion and the fact that BJ and Hawkeye had bonded. Maybe a nice, relaxing game of poker, would thaw the ice a bit. Charles could even get in on it, though from what Hawkeye could tell, Winchester was just hostile in general, about being here and the unfair circumstances that netted him a stay here at the 4077th.

Still, Charles could be of immense help in making Trapper see that they could all get along here, without starting a war within a war.

"Doctor Pierce," Winchester drawled, "does our esteemed Colonel have a plan?"

Hawkeye blinked.

"No. He just said he'd 'fix it'. If he says he will, he will." he said. He noticed BJ and Charles exchange doubtful looks but this time he ignored it. It really bothered him that Trapper did what he did out of jealousy. Now that, Hawkeye would bet his life on! And if Trapper wasn't careful, he'd end up like Frank Burns. A man with Margaret on one side, and the disrespect of the men and women of the 4077th, on the other.

Radar burst into their tent, looking excited and hopeful!

"What is it?" Hawkeye asked carefully. None of them knew what to make of the way the young private had just burst in.

"Colonel McIntyre and Major Houlihan are going to take care of everything! They're going to the 4076th tomorrow to straighten this all out! I knew the Colonel would make things right!"

"The Colonel and the Major are going together?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yeah! Tomorrow morning! I just called over to the 4076th and let them know to expect them!" Radar rambled on.

"Not to be a wet blanket here," Charles said, "but this kind of a problem calls for diplomacy. From what I can see, Colonel McIntyre has none. Especially when it comes to the Older Colonel McIntyre. I don't think it's a good idea."

Radar's face fell and Hawkeye gave Charles a dirty look! But BJ came up with another idea.

"I'm going to go with them." he announced. Radar, Hawkeye and Charles looked at BJ with surprise.

"You're going? In a jeep? With Trapper?" Hawkeye asked skeptically.

"With Trapper and Margaret?" Charles asked just as skeptically.

"Major Houlihan and I get along just fine. And I'd like to think that I got along with the Older Colonel as well. Better than Trapper did."

"But not as well as Margaret." Hawkeye mused. "It's not a bad plan. Now let's see if we can talk Trapper in to..."

"No," BJ cut him off, "I will talk to him. Alone. It's about time we cleared the air about some things."

Radar looked at Hawkeye and suddenly felt doubtful again. While he thought Captain Hunnicutt could help, he doubted Trapper would agree to be in the same room with, much less take a jeep ride over to the 4076th, with him.

* * *

"There! Now don't you feel better, now that you've decided to come around to my way of thinking." Margaret said softly, as she gave his shoulders a hard massage, from behind his desk chair.

"I feel better knowing we're going to be alone tomorrow." Trapper murmured. His eyes were closed and he marveled at how her hands were melting all of the tension away...

Trapper heard someone clear their throat and Margaret's hands left him! He opened his eyes to see Hunnicutt looking at them both. His facial expression was unreadable.

"I'll just leave you, Colonel." Margaret said, leaving the office quickly without looking at BJ. Trapper eyed BJ.

"Take a seat." Trapper said and moved some papers around on his desk. BJ slowly sat down in the chair in front of the desk.

"Thank you for seeing me, Colonel." BJ began. "It's about Radar and your trip to the 4076th."

"How'd you hear about that?" Trapper asked.

"Radar told me. I would like to accompany the major and you as well." BJ said.

"Uh, why?"

"Because I think I can help."

"In what way? Look, thanks but no thanks. Major Houlihan and I have this handled just fine."

"Do you?" BJ asked, feeling impatience creep in to his tone. Trapper heard it and responded in kind.

"How long have you been here 'Beej'? Huh? A week or two? Who the hell are you to question anything I do?"

"With all due respect..." BJ began but Trapper cut him off and stood up.

"See that's the problem. You haven't shown me any. I apologized for what I mistakenly said about your wife, okay? And maybe I had that punch coming. But I don't need any suggestions from you about how to help my friends. You're dismissed." Trapper said coldly.

Now BJ stood up.

"This isn't about my overstepping, 'Colonel'. This is about Hawkeye. He's still your friend and now he just happens to be mine as well! We didn't do anything to you. The older colonel is a real person and it is probably just a terrible coincidence that you two have the same name, the same nickname and similar backgrounds! Can we just forget our differences and help Radar? I think I can help talk the other colonel into dropping the charges against Radar. I want to help." BJ said, almost begging.

Trapper was silent for a moment. Margaret was not going to wear underwear, for the love of God! And now BJ wanted to encroach on their private time together...grrr...

"Alright. Fine. You can come. But you sit in the back." Trapper told him.


	5. Chapter 5

Trapper rounded a corner quickly with the jeep, mindful of jarring his two passengers: Margaret, who wore a military skirt suit with a hat and BJ, who also wore an appropriate uniform. Trapper looked very much like a colonel, which meant he wasn't wearing the cozy clothing he preferred to wear. He was wearing a uniform-damnit!

Margaret was sitting in the front next to him, and occasionally, when she was not looking over at him with a warm, reassuring smile, she was also holding her uniform hat down on her head, to keep it from blowing off. Trapper tried to keep his eyes off of her smooth, beautiful legs. Legs that his hands wanted to reach over and touch, before they inched up under her skirt...

But that couldn't be done on this ride, no thanks to the boy scout sitting in the back with them! Trapper kept telling himself, albeit grudgingly, that BJ had a calming way about him, that he seemed to be able to get along with anyone and he could actually be of some help here.

Margaret, finally feeling that her hat was safe from flying off of her head, partly due to wind and Trapper's bat-out-of-hell driving, took her hands off of her head. She too thought BJ's coming along was not a bad idea. She was a bit apprehensive about how she would find the older Colonel McIntyre. The 4076th company clerk hadn't really been able to say much about his recovery, just that he was 'on the mend'. And most of the medical staff had been in O.R., so she had no way of verifying whether that was true or not. Though she kept telling herself that if the Older Trapper had taken a turn for the worse, Radar would've been put in the stockade by now!

BJ felt his stomach turn, whenever Trapper hit a bump in the road-literally! But he knew that it wasn't Trapper's driving that was making him queasy. BJ began to wonder if he had promised more than he could deliver here? It wasn't as if he had told Trapper that he could absolutely, positively talk the Older Colonel into dropping his charges against Radar. He hadn't even spoken to him that long in post op.

But he did have a good sense about people, for the most part. And the Older Trapper seemed like a reasonable man. More reasonable than the guy driving this jeep! Still, he had to try. They all did.

Trapper rounded another corner that held a wooden sign, identifying the 4076th. There was a small hill that took them right into the heart of the camp. The uneasy trio could see doctors and nurses ambling wearily out of an operating tent. Margaret recognized her old friend, Major Clara Willoughby, also known affectionately as 'Starch', walking with someone. Trapper beeped the horn, stopped the jeep and Margaret jumped out first to run and hug Clara!

Clara hugged her back, a bit reluctantly, then looked around to take in Trapper and BJ. Her eyes were on Trapper.

"Is that him? The younger Trapper?"

Margaret half glanced back at the doctors before facing Clara again.

"Yes! Look at you! You look great! It's been too long!"

Clara didn't actually respond to that. She looked around Margaret at Trapper and BJ.

"Doctors...Dr. McIntyre is in his office. It's down that way on the right." Clara said in a no-nonsense tone, that reminded Trapper of an elementary school teacher he had once had. BJ frowned.

"In his office? Should he be up and around?" he questioned.

Trapper shrugged.

"This war doesn't wait for recovery time. Thank you, Nurse...uh..."

"It's Willoughby!" Margaret snapped in annoyance. "Major Willoughby! I'll catch up in a minute!"

Trapper and BJ gave one another sideways glances(the most civil look Margaret could remember the two of then exchanging), before they walked off in search of the Older Colonel. As soon as the men turned their backs, Clara hauled Margaret into her tent! Margaret was about to protest the rough treatment, but something was nagging at her. She had a bad feeling she was going to hear something she didn't like.

Once inside of the tent, Clara gave Margaret a hard look!

"You listen to me, Missy! I love that dear man more than life itself! He gets hurt, ends up in your camp and not twenty-four hours later, he can do nothing but talk about you! Margaret, I love you, but I also know you. Doctor McIntyre wants more than just some fling from you..."

Margaret looked her up and down!

"How dare you! What are you accusing me of? I barely know him! And he's been 'talking' about me while he's bed ridden?" she asked, thinking that the concept was actually rather sweet.

"No." Starch said.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that he's been doing nothing but talking about you while 'upright'!"

"Starch, what are you telling me?" Margaret asked, but God help her, she knew...

"Did your Young Trapper get any kind of official notification that your company clerk was under threat of being charged? I can answer that for you-no! One of your people, came here to drink with some pals and...well... **OUR** Doctor McIntyre made sure you all heard about it from him. Clearly rumors spread fast at the 4077th."

"You're saying this is a joke? Of course **MY** colonel got official notification! We're here to try to talk your colonel out of doing anything! You're telling me we don't have to? That this was just some kind of sick joke?"

"Margaret, stop. You all started this over at the 4077th! We finished it. It's over. I'm sure Dr. McIntyre is explaining to your Dr. McIntyre, that he was just getting back at him, for lying about General Potter being here."

Margaret shook her head!

"Oh Starch! You don't know what you all have done over here!" she cried. These people here at the 4076th were no match for Trapper, Hawkeye and anyone those two could corral into going along with any bad practical joke, that was in poor taste, or some evil scheme.

"What do you mean?" Starch asked.

"It never occurred to you all over here, that the 4077th is going to want payback for this? I'm going to go see your colonel and straighten all of this out!"

Starch was now a bit uneasy by Margaret's frazzled manner.

"Calm down. You brought two reinforcements. They'll find out the truth and then we can all go back to business as usual."

Margaret scoffed!

"My dear, Starch, revenge, payback, jokes and petty stupidity, **IS** business as usual over at the 4077th." she said bluntly.

* * *

Trapper didn't think he's heard 'Older Trapper' correctly.

But BJ did. They had both been sitting and BJ stood up first, followed by Young Trapper. The Older Trapper rose from his office chair as well.

"A joke?" Trapper asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about that cute trick you played on me, to get me out of the 4077th and away from Margaret. I just gave you a taste of your own medicine. By the way, I actually could have pressed charges."

"But you didn't?" BJ asked. "You never did?"

"Radar was never in any danger of **ANYTHING** happening to him?" Trapper clarified.

The Older Trapper sensed that this would not be laughed off. He squared his jaw.

"Look, what did you expect? That we would take such a stupid prank here lying down? Now throw in the fact that I wasn't actually ready to be released from Dr. Winchester's care and I would say, 'Colonel', that you got off lucky."

"With all due respect, sir," BJ said, "your joke was pretty tasteless. Corporal O'Reilly had nothing to do with what our Colonel here did to you. He was just following orders."

Older Trapper looked at Younger Trapper.

"So you specifically told him to make up the lie about General Potter?"

Trapper gave BJ a funny look before answering.

"Well, no, I told him to just make something up to get you out of there."

"Then he's not completely innocent, is he?" the Older Trapper asked calmly. "And again, it was a joke. So let's just call ourselves even..."

"The. Hell. We. Are, pal!" Trapper snapped. "What you pulled affected my whole unit! We love Radar over there!"

"And getting the 4076th together for a general that was never going to show,while I was recuperating from being shot, was no mean feat either, Colonel." the Older Trapper countered.

BJ looked at Trapper.

"Let's go." he said. Trapper's eyes widened!

"What do you mean, 'let's go'? I'm not going anywhere..."

But there was something about the look on BJ's face, that promised more to come, outside of the enemy's hearing. Trapper and BJ slammed out of the Older Colonel's office, past his company clerk and out into the fresh air.

"Why'd you hustle me out of there?" Trapper asked.

"Because we're not going to win this on their turf. We need Hawkeye. And Charles can be useful. Bitingly useful." BJ said knowingly.

For the first time since they met, Trapper grinned at BJ.

BJ grinned at Trapper.

And when Margaret came upon them, grinning at one another like mad idiots, she knew some kind of revenge was being planned.

"Okay, before you all rain heck on this place, can I at least try and get Colonel McIntyre to apologize?"

"We're **WAY** beyond that, Margaret." Trapper said. "It's time to head back."

"No." Margaret said firmly. BJ frowned.

"You do know what we learned in there, right? He put us through hell for nothing! Radar probably has gray hairs by now!" BJ protested.

Margaret nodded quickly!

"Major Willoughby told me. I need to get Dr. McIntyre's side."

Trapper looked at BJ.

"Wait in the jeep, would you?"

BJ nodded and walked off, hoping Trapper could talk some sense into Margaret. The older colonel didn't have a side! Not one that would make what he did, even remotely alright.

"What do you think that codger is going to say, Margaret? Huh? I didn't play a joke on him, not really. I just wanted him out of our camp and back home to his."

"He expected to meet a general, Colonel! And he was unwell!"

"He didn't look 'unwell' with you in the vehicle tent! And what harm came of it? Nothing! He didn't have a 'setback', he was just disappointed. Plus he dragged an innocent person into this! And **WHY** can't you just call me 'Trapper'?" he griped.

" **THAT** is what is first and foremost on your mind, Colonel? That I am not addressing you by that ridiculous nick name of yours? Look, I am going in there to hear his side. Captain Hunnincutt and you can head back. I'll get someone to drive me back to the 4077th later."

"Margaret..."

"Is there anything the older colonel can do, to keep you all from wreaking havoc on his camp in retaliation, sir?" Margaret asked in a brisk, business like manner.

Trapper raised a brow.

"Well...if he's willing to surrender his pride and denigrate himself, then yes, there is. He can walk around here, in front of everyone, wearing one of Klinger's outfits for each day of one week! And if he did that... **MAYBE** , I'd think about not coming down on him."

"He would never agree to that!" Margaret snapped.

"How do you know? Ask him! Hunnicutt and I will be waiting over in the jeep. It's a simple 'yes' or 'no'." Trapper smiled before turning and walking towards the jeep BJ was in. Margaret sighed with disgust before turning and stomping off to the older colonel's office tent.

The Older Trapper was still dressed in his scrubs when Margaret barreled past his company clerk and into his office! He had resumed his sitting position once Younger Trapper and BJ had left. He was about to stand but Margaret shook her head.

"Keep your seat, Colonel McIntyre. This isn't going to take long."

"No one told me you were here." Older Trapper said, his eyes registering genuine surprise and affection. Margaret could not be too mad at him, with the way he was staring at her, but she had to keep this interaction business like.

"It doesn't matter because I won't be staying. What were you thinking?!" Margaret said, her manner clearly exasperated. "I expected better from you!"

"You mean you expected me to take such a blatant infraction of protocol lightly? You know as well as anyone, that I could have very well brought your colonel and Corporal O'Reilly, up on charges. I did not. I just chose to make them believe they would be in danger of that happening." Older Trapper said,

"It just seems so beneath you." Margaret said quietly. "I'm disappointed."

"And I'm disappointed that you're taking their side and leaving. Let Hunnicutt and your colonel go back to the 4077th. Stay and get to know our unit better. You can bunk with Starch." he said, now standing up and walking towards her.

"I'm not taking sides, Colonel. I know what my colonel did was wrong. And I know why he did it."

"He's married. Just like Burns was."

"I realize that, sir. And I am not holding out any hope that he's leaving his wife for me."

"Like you did Burns?" Older Trapper asked coolly.

"Oh! Why do have to be so...so...infuriating! Major Frank Burns is not the issue here! Any relationship I have with Colonel John McIntyre of the 4077th is beside the point as well! You've started a war within a war here! And one of you has to give! You're the bigger man. Just apologize and we can end this."

"Is that what they told you to come in here and say? That they'd take an apology?" Older Trapper asked.

"They said..." Margaret began but she was suddenly stopped when the Older Trapper seized her into his arms and covered her parted lips with his own. She gasped into his mouth from surprise and tried to push him away, but soon found a delicious feeling swirling through her, almost like wildfire.

Meanwhile, Starch decided to try and talk some sense into 'her' Trapper! She had thought this whole thing was stupid and beneath the dignity of the 4076th in the first place. And the 4077th had a clownish reputation. One visit over there and now Trapper was acting like them. This was war time. They didn't need to sink to their level.

She also believed that **SOMEONE** over there needed to be charged! Whether it was this Corporal O'Reilly or the Young Colonel McIntyre(Starch grudgingly admitted that he was rather tall and good looking), what they pulled needed to be answered for. And she feared Margaret was right. This whole thing would never end now. They were sure to retaliate which meant that the 4076th would be forced to so in kind.

The company clerk was not in, so Starch pushed open the door to announce herself, then stopped short.

Margaret was in there kissing Trapper. Starch watched helplessly, as if she were watching an accident that she could not prevent, as Trapper pulled Margaret back towards his desk chair, lowered his scrub pants and yanked Margaret's uniform skirt up! Starch backed back but watched through the office window!

Margaret wasn't wearing underwear. And Starch was sure that was no accident! She turned and left the office tent, red faced and feeling like she was going to hurl!

Meanwhile, Margaret impaled herself carefully upon the Older Trapper's pulsing root then quickly began to move upon him, finding a rhythm that pleased them both. She leaned forward as Older Trapper's hands cupped her bare buttocks protectively. They moved as one in a leisurely manner, as if they had all of the time in the world.

After, Margaret corrected her dress as Older Trapper stared up at her from his chair.

"Did you come here hoping that making love to me, would change my mind?" he asked in a low voice. Margaret smoothed her skirt and faced him.

"I like you. And I want you. But not at the expense of the 4077th. I have to get back. Be prepared, that's all I can say." Margaret said.

"And all I can say is that you should warn the colonel and captain, that they might want to just let it go. " Older Trapper said, his eyes roving over her.

Margaret saluted him, then turned and left the office. Young Trapper pulled the jeep up and this time, BJ was in the front seat where she formerly had been. BJ got out and helped her into the back, before returning to the front.

"Well? What'd he say?" Trapper asked.

"We were just coming to get you." BJ added.

"He won't budge. Sorry." Margaret said.

"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for. Old Trapper John is the one that's going to get his. Let's go!" Trapper said and sped off and out of the camp. He hadn't felt this good since he had been told his returning home from this stinkin' war, had been a mistake. He had a purpose now-to save lives and to make sure that that bastard doctor back there, that was poaching his name, career and girl, bowed down to the 4077th.


	6. Chapter 6

There was a meeting of the minds in The Swamp, two days after Trapper, BJ and Margaret returned to the 4077th. Margaret did not attend the gathering...

"Why don't we send a message to him from his ex-wife? We could have her tell him she loves him still, and she wants to see him in Seoul? Something like that?" Trapper suggested.

"Colonel," Charles said in a chiding tone, "haven't we had enough 'fake messages'? I doubt this man would fall for something like that again."

"Charles is right," BJ said, "what about if we go back to the 4076th and block him in his tent somehow? You know, park jeeps around it so he had a hard time getting out?"

"Juvenile," Charles said snottily, "and something he will be able to tie back to us. We want whatever we do to be so hard hitting, that he never even conceives of pulling anything on us again."

"Charlie's right," Trapper said, ignoring the wincing face Charles made a being referred to as 'Charlie'.

Radar scowled. He was in on the plotting and was willing to go along with anything suggested! He had never been so scared in his life! And just on looks, the Older Trapper didn't seem like anyone that would do anything like that! The man was too old to be playing jokes like that on people!

Suddenly, Hawkeye, who had been lying on his cot tossing a ball up and down, sat up and grinned!

"I've got it! I've got the perfect plan and it will scare the heebie jeebies off of this guy! Like he did us!" Hawkeye bragged.

"Well do tell, Captain." Winchester suggested.

"Yeah, Hawkeye," BJ seconded it, "what is it?"

But Hawkeye looked straight at Trapper.

"One word: Frank. Or two if you add his last name." Hawkeye said. Trapper looked at him in confusion.

"Frank Burns? What about him?" Trapper asked.

"We conjure him up, boogeyman style. We were fooled because one of our guys was drinking over at the officer's club at the 4076th, and heard about Radar possibly getting in trouble. We're going to send someone over there again. And this time, the 4076th is going to hear a tale about an obsessed major running amok! Frank Burns is back in Korea and is threatening the life of any man that has had anything to do with Major Houlihan!"

BJ took over.

"I see where you're going with this! So let's say Burns tried to kill Trapper, we pulled him off of you but he escaped!"

Winchester added his two cents to the fairytale.

"But before he got away, our Colonel here swore up and down that he was not the new man in the Margaret's life...but that an older Colonel over at the 4076th was."

Radar nodded with excitement!

"Yeah and you told him to go over there if he has a bone to pick!" he chirped. Oh this was good! The old guy over there would be scared out of his wits! Radar could come up with a report about the 'incident' as well!

But Trapper looked cautious.

"Okay, guys, I don't hate it. But I don't like it either. There's Margaret to consider. If she gets wind of a rumor that Frank is back here and trying to hurt people, she'll want to try and stop him." Trapper said.

"Okay, Trap," Hawkeye said, "but it's like our 'Tuttle' scheme. No one, including her, will never set eyes on Burns. I mean he's back home in Indiana someplace."

"Which is easy to confirm. Margaret already suspects we're up to some kind of revenge. If we go this route, it has to be foolproof. Margaret can't have any way of double checking and making sure that we're lying. Nor do I want her warning 'Codger Trapper' that we're fooling with him!"

"What's with you?" Hawkeye asked in confusion. "You've never doubted a plan before we could even put it into play?"

"You know, Colonel," Winchester said, "you could take Margaret out of this. Send her to Tokyo for some R&R?"

Trapper nodded at Charles.

"That's a good idea, Winchester, thanks." he said and left the Swamp. Radar followed after him and Hawkeye looked at BJ and frowned.

"Margaret's horror at this whole thing will only add to the validity of our story! I don't think she should go anywhere."

BJ folded his arms.

"Hawk, you're missing the point here."

"Which is?"

"Trapper cares about Margaret. I didn't know Frank Burns but I heard all about him and Margaret. And whether you approve or disapprove, Margaret got her heart broken. Trapper just doesn't want that happening again." BJ told Hawkeye.

* * *

Trapper and Radar were a bit surprised to find Margaret sitting at Trapper's desk, signing his name to papers!

"Uh, what do you think you're doing there?" Trapper asked with a grin. Margaret smiled up at him. Her hair was up in a bun.

"I'm taking care of the paperwork that you should have taken care of a week ago, Colonel." she said, then eyed Radar.

"And Corporal, the crisis is over. You should have made sure Colonel McIntyre got these papers signed and out of here. Some of these paper are requisition forms for medical supplies." she scolded. Radar swallowed noisily. Yeah, he did actually feel ashamed about that.

Trapper looked at Radar.

"Could you give the Major and me a moment?" he asked his company clerk. Radar nodded and disappeared into the outer office. Margaret stood up.

"I know Radar and you came from the swamp. I suppose you had a 'meeting of the minds' there?" she asked knowingly.

"I was clueing them in." Trapper said.

"Well 'Colonel', if you think I'm going to let you chase me around your desk and then 'allow' you to catch me, it isn't happening as long as you've got revenge on the brain! That dear man is no match for Dr. Pierce and his merry band of schemers!"

"Dear man?! Since when is that codger, dear?"" Trapper asked suspiciously.

"Why do you have to call him a codger? I think he's handsome and refined!"

"Yeah, okay, look...I was thinking that after all you've been through lately, maybe you should go to Tokyo for a few days?"

Margaret raised a brow.

"You think I should go to Tokyo?"

"That's right."

"For R&R?"

"Bingo!" Trapper smiled and began to reach for her, but Margaret moved away from him.

"This is going to be bad, isn't it? And you want me out of the way?" Margaret correctly surmised. But Trapper wouldn't give an inch.

"Let's just say that this whole thing made me realize how inconsiderate I've been."

"Inconsiderate?" Margaret asked and Trapper's hard arm suddenly encircled her waist and began to walk her out of his office, past Radar and outside.

"I never thought about what you'd been through, Margaret, with Frank leaving like that. Not really. And maybe I shouldn't have taken advantage of your pain."

"Colonel, this public embrace of yours is totally inappropriate." Margaret chided him, but did nothing to remove herself from his hold.

"The point is, you need time to deal with what Burns did to you, just leaving you like that without a real goodbye or hope or anything. It will just be a few days." Trapper reassured her.

Margaret gave him a quick kiss on the mouth, causing more than a few stares!

"Thank you, Colonel. If you really deem this necessary, then yes, I'll go." she said. She still didn't quite believe Trapper's reasoning, but suddenly, she didn't want to be in the middle of all of this any longer. She pulled away and headed towards her tent. Trapper watched her briefly before heading back to his office.

Radar looked up at him as soon as he entered.

"It's a go. Margaret is leaving for R&R. Who was the officer that was drinking over at the 4076th the first time?"

"It was Ugly John." Radar confirmed.

"Let's send him again. He tells really good stories with that Aussie accent of his." Trapper grinned.

But the storytelling would have to start early.

* * *

Major Willoughby's jeep pulled up in front of the Officer's Club and her driver helped her out. She took a deep breath and looked around. Margaret's tent had to be around here someplace.

She had decided that she could not keep quiet to her, about seeing her making love with the Older Trapper, in his office at the 4076th. It wasn't the act that shocked her, so much as she truly felt as if Margaret was leading that dear man on!

Hawkeye saw her from afar and motioned to BJ. BJ saw her and frowned.

"That's Major Clara Willoughby. She's from the 4076th and an old friend of Margaret's." BJ said, wondering what she was doing here?

" **SHE'S** from the 4076th?" Hawkeye asked.

"Yes. She's a bit no nonsense, like Margaret, but even sterner. If she's here that can't be good." BJ said.

"It's perfect!" Hawkeye exclaimed. "Let the rumors begin spreading! You go warn Trapper that she's here. He'll know what to do."

BJ wasn't quite sure what that meant, but he disappeared from Clara Willoughby's view as she walked their way. Hawkeye stopped her.

"Did you need some help finding someone, Major?" he asked sweetly.

"Yes, Captain, I'm looking for Major Houlihan."

"Oh her tent is that way. You're from..."

"The 4076th." Clara said, suspecting that this man already knew that.

"Oh Thank God!" Hawkeye exclaimed. "Look, just know that we're going to make sure Margaret is safe. You just look out for your Colonel, okay?" Hawkeye said, as if Clara should understand what he was talking about, and began to walk off.

But Clara grabbed his arm!

"Uh excuse me, Captain, but what do you mean by 'you're keeping her safe'? Is she in some danger?"

Hawkeye pretended to look surprised!

"You're telling me that you don't know? I assumed you were here to check up on Margaret for your colonel."

"What is going on?" Clara asked, now a bit unnerved.

Hawkeye lowered his voice.

"I'll walk you to her tent." he said in a hushed tone and together, Hawkeye and Clara began to move towards Houlihan's quarters.

"Frank Burns is back in Korea. And he's got more than one screw loose." Hawkeye 'confided'.

"Frank Burns?!" Clara asked a bit loudly and noted that two solders gave her a funny look. "That's the Major that Margaret was involved with, right? There was talk that he would replace Henry Blake."

"Yeah well our Trapper found out the other night that Burns never went home. He didn't get over not being colonel and he resents Trapper for taking his place-and for his relationship with Margaret."

Clara's lips tightened.

"Major Houlihan is involved with your colonel?" she asked. What she wanted to add to the end of that question was 'as well'!

"Yeah. It's kind of an open secret around here. And it was news to Burns."

Clara suddenly stopped walking.

"What are you talking about, Captain? Burns was sent home. If he'd come back..."

"You're not hearing me! You know how slow information is at I Corps! He **NEVER** left Korea and he attacked our colonel in the middle of the night! He's being looked for as we speak!"

"Okay, if that's true then he wouldn't hurt Margaret."

"Who knows what he'll do! He was supposed to be back in Indiana! We're doctors here, Major! We don't have time to watch our backs for some psycho while we're in surgery!"

"You said this Burns was upset about every man Margaret was involved with? Does he know about my colonel?"

"How do you think my Colonel Trapper got the guy the hell off of him in the middle of the night? He had to tell him about Margaret and your Colonel Trapper!"

Clara felt herself exploding inside! But she kept her cool.

"You're telling me that your young buck of a..."

"Buck?" Hawkeye almost grinned.

"...an inexperienced colonel, threw **MY** colonel to the wolves to save his own skin? I want to see him now! And I want some proof that this incident occurred!" Clara snapped, still unsure that this wasn't some sort of prank.

"Colonel McIntyre's office is that way." Hawkeye said solemnly. He then grinned at Clara's back as she skulked over there. Now it was Trapper's turn to make this payback scheme work!

* * *

BJ barely had time to crawl under Radar's bed in a tight, twisted ball, when Clara burst in! She peered through the door window of Trapper's office and was about to go in, when she heard Trapper and Radar talking...

"I was just on the line with I Corps," Radar said, "they're sending investigators here to ask everyone about Burns."

"I'm the only one that saw him! Do you know what it's like to wake up and have someone in your face like that? I don't know how he got past the guard on duty!" Trapper exclaimed dramatically.

"Well, Igor saw someone running past Rosie's. He can't swear that it was Burns but the timing fits." Radar said with equal dramatic effect.

"Oh it was him! But listen, when you type up that report, leave out what I said about the Codger McIntyre, okay?" Trapper asked loudly.

"What do you mean, 'leave it out'?" Radar asked.

"I mean don't say that I told Burns that he was looking for the wrong guy...that Codger McIntyre over at the 4076th is the one he has a beef with! If it got out that I sent Burns over there and didn't warn them..."

Clara gasped and put a hand over her mouth! She then turned and hurried out of the tent! She didn't have time to give Margaret a piece of her mind over Older Trapper! She didn't have time to vent to her old friend, that she herself had once been interested in the man, but that he had told **HER** that he was impotent! He sure as heck didn't look 'impotent' with Margaret the other day in his office!

Clara 'Starch' Willoughby barked an order to her driver and they both got into the jeep she came in, then screeched off. She didn't have time for petty resentments now. She had a whole M*A*S*H unit to save from a raving lunatic!


	7. Chapter 7

"What?" Trapper asked, knowing he couldn't have heard Hawkeye correctly.

"Trap, we don't have much time! I've already put a bug in that Major Willoughby's ear that Frank is on the loose! We need someone to be Frank and I'm it!" Hawkeye declared.

"I thought we were going to send Ugly John over to the 4076th and start a **RUMOR**! No one said anything about actually producing Frank!" Trapper protested, shaking his head. This had went as far as he wanted to go. Plus Old Trapper wasn't a complete fool! All he had to do is to get a file from I Corps and find out what Frank looked like. For all Trapper knew, Old Trapper had seen Burns before.

"You know sir," Radar said, "Hawkeye is the only doctor the other colonel never saw when he was here. I still have Major Burns's file. I could put Captain Pierce's photo in it instead."

"See!" Hawkeye exclaimed, as if Radar had come up with the greatest idea in the world. Trapper folded his arms.

"Okay, smart guy, what's your plan? Are you going to poach outside their camp running wild or what?" he asked.

"Yeah, Captain Pierce," Radar asked curiously, "I mean if this Willoughby has seen you, then she'll know you're HERE in plain sight. I mean we'll look kind of stupid not knowing that you're here, if you know what I mean."

"Oh I get you, Radar...Trapper. I think in a case like this, I might need a new picture and Klinger's help." Hawkeye grinned. Trapper did not grin back. He hoped Hawkeye wasn't thinking of running around over at the 4076th in women's clothing!

But this new wrinkle in their plan, meant that Trapper had to make sure that Margaret left ASAP!

* * *

Trapper knocked on Margaret's tent door and heard her call out 'enter', before walking in. She was just putting the final items in her suitcase and getting ready to close it, when Trapper came in.

"Alright! I am packed and ready to go! I just wish you were coming with me." Margaret said wistfully. Trapper closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms. He started to say something else. Something that would get her out of here without being none the wiser. But something was keeping him from doing that.

"I have to tell you something." he said and let go of her. He walked over to her dressing table and picked through the items on it, distractedly. Margaret approached him from behind and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Tell me what's going on?" she asked quietly. Trapper turned back to her.

"We came up with a plan on how to get back at your codger boyfriend, okay? But it's already got out of hand and I...I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want you to go, but I don't want you here to watch this all play out." he admitted.

Margaret just stared up at him. Trapper didn't know if she was in shock or if she was angry or what.

"Margaret? Talk to me!" he said, shaking her a bit.

Margaret shook herself out of her reverie.

"I'm sorry, it's just that you sounded mature just now."

"Nice!"

"I'm serious, Colonel. I mean you're making the right decision. People depend on us. Their lives are in our hands. We can't run this place like a never ending high school prank or something! And you see that! I can't tell you how that makes me feel!" Margaret said, swelling with emotion. There was hope for Colonel Trapper McIntyre yet!

"Yeah, well don't peg me as a saint just yet. When you hear what we were going to do, you may feel differently."

"I'm assuming it was something juvenile and stupid?"

"And hurtful. To you." Trapper said. Margaret now frowned.

"What? What is it?"

"We came up with the idea of letting Old Trapper think that Burns was back and trying to kill him-over you."

Margaret's mouth dropped open for a brief second, before closing again. Her posture became decidedly angry looking!

"Just how did you think you were going to get away with that?! Huh, Colonel! Frank is back with his wife in the good ole US of A! Anyone, even my 'Codger Boyfriend' would have been able to figure that one out!" she yelled.

"Okay, okay! But Hawkeye was hoping to keep that from happening. He has already told Major Willoughby that Frank was seen around here and could be headed to the 4076th." Trapper admitted.

"When was Starch here?"

"Like a half hour ago. The wheels have been set in motion on this thing, Margaret. And I'm not sure I can stop it. Maybe it would be better if you did just go to Tokyo for some R&R, let me figure a way out of this and then you can come back, none the wiser. Okay honey?"

Trapper's answer was a slap across the face! When he protested he received another one!

"You listen to me, 'Colonel', I'm going over to the 4076th and putting an end to this whole thing! You can either come with me and explain this like a man, or you can stay here and let me do your dirty work for you! Now what is it going to be?" Margaret sniffed.

Trapper's head had cleared after those two slaps and suddenly he was back to himself.

"What it will be, is lock up for you!" Trapper said and then picked Margaret up and threw her over his shoulder! He walked out of her tent and ignored the whoops and hollers as he marched her over to the MP tent and put her down next to two of them.

"This major assaulted her commanding officer. Keep her here until a full investigation has been conducted." Trapper told them. Both MP's saluted and Margaret began to scream her outrage!

"You won't get away with this, Colonel! He's too smart for the bunch of you! He'll figure out that Frank is back in Indiana and then ALL of you will be facing court martials! I'm trying to help you idiots!" she yelled. But Trapper turned and walked away. He had no choice now but to try and make Hawkeye's plan work!

* * *

 **4076th M*A*S*H UNIT-**

Older Trapper could barely stop laughing at the ridiculous tale Clara had just told him! But he managed to take deep breaths in order to try and calm her down.

"Okay, okay, Clara, I'm not making fun of you! But come on! You should know better than to believe this tripe! Burns couldn't sneak back here without someone knowing. I Corps for one."

"Colonel, I thought of that! Believe me I thought of it but the problem is that no one knew I was coming! I just don't think they could've come up with this story off the cuff! They don't look smart enough, if the truth be told!" Clara sniffed.

"So they came up with it days before you arrived! Clara, they were planning to tell us this tale somehow, someway. You just dropped into their lap and they had to do it sooner, that's all. Now I'll get this cleared up and then I'll tell the good doctors of the 4077th, nice try, better luck next time." Older Trapper said stoutly.

But Clara put a hand on his arm.

"What about Margaret?" she asked.

"What about her?"

"Do you think she's in on this?"

"No." Older Trapper said in a tone that clearly showed he was insulted. "She would never be part of anything so immature."

Clara folded her arms.

"And why is that, Colonel? Because you know her so well?"

"I don't like your tone, Major. And I thought Major Houlihan and you were old friends?"

"We were. Are." Clara said grudgingly. Suddenly the Older Colonel thought of something...

"Why were you over there anyway?" he asked.

"I wanted to see Margaret."

"About?" he pressed.

Clara knew what she was about to say, crossed a professional line. But then again, this man was an old friend. It had to be said.

"I was going to talk to her about you and what's been going on. Or what went on here when she was here."

The Older Trapper clenched his jaw.

"You spied on Margaret and myself?"

"I did not 'spy'! I needed to talk to you and didn't know you were in here with her, okay? Yes, I saw you and I'm telling you, if you have any hopes for anything more from her, then you should cut your losses and run!"

"You sound like some friend, Starch."

"I don't mean to sound so negative, okay? I don't. I love Margaret but I love you too-in a friendly way. And I'm telling you that she's involved with that other Trapper over at the 4077th with your name! She is just some distraction for **HIM** and that's the way she likes it. But you wear your heart on your sleeve! It will never work out."

Before Trapper could respond, the company clerk entered with a file sent over from the 4077th he had requested, on Major Frank Burns. Trapper knew all he needed to know about his background. He wanted to see what this man looked like. He opened the file and Clara peeked at it as well...

"Oh my God!" she cried out.

"What?" Older Trapper asked.

"That's him! That...That's the man that 'warned' me about Frank Burns!" she yelled. They were looking at a picture of Hawkeye, who was wearing a blonde, short wig(Klinger had cut it so it looked Romanesque) and eyeglasses.

"You're saying the man in this picture, was the same one you just talked to?" Older Trapper asked skeptically.

"No! He didn't have the glasses and his hair looked different, but that's him! I mean he has a distinctive face! That disguise isn't much of one because I know he's the man I talked to!" Clara insisted.

"And he's running around the camp loose? No one has been able to put two and two together?"

"I told you, Colonel, they don't look too bright over there! We need to get word to them! We especially need to get word to Major Houlihan!"

Older Trapper didn't like the smell of this. Yes, it was a serious situation but something about it bothered him. And he didn't think that calling over there would assuage his suspicions.

"Come on, Starch. We're headed back to the 4077th. If you just saw Burns there, then he's probably **STILL** there." Older Trapper said.

* * *

"incoming wounded! Incoming wounded!"

Trapper ordered Klinger to get one soldier into O.R. pronto, while another could wait for a bit. Meanwhile in the operating room, Winchester was annoyed when a nurse dropped surgical tools twice!

"My God, the ineptitude! Where is Margaret anyway?"

"She's on her way to Tokyo." BJ said as he cut into his patient.

"No she isn't! I stopped by her tent to ask her to pick something for me while she was there, and I saw her luggage sitting on her bed." Winchester sniffed. BJ looked over at him but said nothing. He then looked at Hawkeye.

"You haven't seen Margaret, have you?" he asked. Hawkeye knew where she was but said nothing. A few of the nurses saw her being carried to detention, but didn't care enough to comment either way.

"Hawk? Do you know where she is?"

"No," Hawkeye lied, "I haven't seen her. But you're right, she really needs to be in here if she hasn't left for Tokyo."

But what he was really thinking, is that her absence could be used to convince the 4076th that Margaret could have been taken away by Frank Burns!

Meanwhile, Older Trapper and Clara arrived and hurried out of their vehicle to see if they could lend a hand. Trapper was surprised to see them and too distracted by the wounded to carry out the game in a convincing fashion.

"What are you doing here?" Trapper asked in a testy tone. He then nodded to Klinger to take the soldier into O.R..

"This one over here has two wounds to the gut. He should go before that one." Older Trapper said. Klinger didn't quite know who's orders to follow, and younger Trapper yelled at him to do as he said and take the solider HE told him to take! Klinger, along with an orderly, took the man off of the ambulance.

Trapper faced off with Older Trapper.

"Don't you ever give my men any orders that counter my own! Now what the hell are you doing here?"

"That soldier needs to be looked at pronto! And if you don't have sense enough to do it, I will. By the way, I'm 'here' because I got word that Margaret's in danger from 'Frank Burns'. Apparently he's running loose in broad daylight and no one can tell it's him."

"I don't have time for this!" Trapper snapped and told two other men to take the soldier that Older Trapper was referring to, to O.R..

"I can see you don't. I'll make the time to protect Margaret. Is she in the O.R.?"

"She's in Tokyo. I sent her away." Trapper lied.

"Good call. But for all we know, Burns followed her." Older Trapper said.

"Then maybe you should hit the road and find out!" Trapper growled. "Now either help us or get the hell out of here!"

Meanwhile, Clara made her way to the O.R. wearing a mask and peeked through the door. She did not see Margaret in there.

But she did see the eyes of the man that she knew to be Frank Burns! What the hell? Where was Margaret?

Clara hurried out of the O.R. hallway and over to Margaret's tent! She didn't even bother to knock and entered to find a suitcase that was full and barely closed. What the hell was going on? Margaret had planned to leave for some reason? Did she or didn't she?

Clara was convinced she didn't! That Burns character was in O.R., in disguise and none of those dimwit doctors knew it! And during all of the melee, Margaret had disappeared. And chances are Burns had her stashed around here someplace, then sauntered in to operate! He had to be here under a fictitious name too!

Clara left the tent and found **HER** colonel in an argument with the younger, 4077th colonel.

"Sorry to interrupt, but we don't have time for this! Frank Burns is in the OR and Margaret's suitcase is packed and on her bed-like she was interrupted before she could finish."

The Older Trapper grabbed the Younger Trapper's collar!

"If you've let Burns come back into this unit and hurt Margaret in anyway, I will make sure you are court martialed, personally!" he seethed.


	8. Chapter 8

While the Two Trappers were arguing, Margaret was being detained and the other doctors were in surgery, Radar received two official notifications. One was for Young Trapper and the one was for Old Trapper. And neither of them were very good.

Radar put a hand over his mouth when he read **HIS** Colonel McIntyre's notice! Holy God! Holy God! This was bad news for all of them-except for the Colonel himself. Radar took deep breaths, picked up both notifications and left his station to deliver the bad news to both men.

But when he reached the Trappers, their argument had turned into a brawl! The MP's that had been guarding Margaret, had to hurry over to break it up and Margaret 'escaped', to rush over as well!

"Stop it, you two!" Starch yelled but ended up accidentally getting shoved to the ground! Margaret hurried to help her up!

"Are you alright?" she asked, looking her over, but Starch pulled away!

"Of course!" she huffed. "I hope you're happy! This is happening because of you! Where the hell have you been? Clearly you haven't been kidnapped!"

Margaret gave her a stunned look!

"Why would you think I had been kidnapped?" Margaret asked.

Starch stared at her for a moment, then looked around. Wounded were still being brought in. The MP's had finally managed to separate the two Trappers and the company clerk looked like he was chomping at the bit to say something.

Starch folded her arms.

"Do you have a picture of Frank Burns?"

"I might have an old one lying around, why?" Margaret asked. But somehow she knew. Trapper, Hawkeye and the rest of their 'gang' had taken their prank too far!

"Come to my tent. I think it's going to be up to us to clear this up." Margaret said in a no-nonsense tone. The two women walked off, as Radar handed the Older Colonel, his envelope. He snatched the envelope, still livid and not quite knowing what was going on, before reading it. His face paled.

"What?" the Younger Trapper asked.

"The 4076 is bugging out. I have to find Major Willoughby and leave." the Older Colonel said with a heavy heart. He had glimpsed Margaret with her, so he would take the time to say goodbye to her until whenever.

"Bugging out?" Younger Trapper asked, now looking at Radar. "Is that what my envelope says?"

"No." Radar told him. "Yours is much worse. Well...it's good for you, bad for us."

The Older Trapper raised an eyebrow at those words, but didn't have time to really ask the meaning or care. He walked away in search of his head nurse and Margaret Houlihan.

Meanwhile, Trapper paled when he read the contents of his envelope.

"So...there was no mistake. I **WAS** supposed to go home! I **AM** going home!" Trapper now grinned. But then his expression faltered when he looked at Radar.

"Okay, I know this next bit isn't great..."

"Frank Burns wasn't supposed to be sent home! He's coming back here and now **HE'S** going to be our Colonel! I can deal with him but I think the doctors in there will lose their minds!" Radar moaned.

* * *

" **THIS** is Frank Burns?" Starch asked, shaking her head.

"Yes. And you thought another man was? Someone you spoke to in camp?" Margaret asked.

"Burns's file was sent over to our camp with a different man's picture in it! I'd know him on sight if I saw him again!" Starch insisted. The Older Trapper walked in then and Starch could see that something was going on.

"What? What is it?" she asked.

"We're bugging out. We have to get back. No explanation was given." Older Trapper said. But he was not looking at Starch. He was looking at Margaret. Margaret walked over to him.

"No time for goodbyes. Duty calls." she said and reached for his face to pull him to her lips, for a soft kiss. She then let go of him and left her tent. Older Trapper stood in place looking forlorn for a second, before he pulled out of his thoughts and looked at Starch.

"Who's picture is that?" he asked.

"The real Frank Burns! And I think the impostor is someplace in this camp!" Starch huffed.

"We don't have time to look for him. We need to get our camp prepared to move out." Older Trapper reminded her. Starch set down the picture of Frank and reached for his hand.

"When we get to where we need to be, you can contact Margaret then." Starch said. Older Trapper raised a brow.

"And you'd be okay with that? It wouldn't ruin your friendship with her?" he asked. He was not completely naive. He had always known that Major Willoughby had feelings for him.

Starch squeezed his hand.

"I love both of you. I have my doubts, but I hope things work out the way you want, Trapper, you know that." she said softly.

* * *

Hawkeye, BJ and Charles, wearily left the O.R. and ventured back into fresh air and sunshine, just as Older Trapper and Starch took off in their jeep. Starch glanced behind her at one point and saw Hawkeye, but clamped her mouth shut! Now was not the time for confrontations over what was clearly some kind of trick. But she also had no intention of forgetting about it either!

"I wonder why Colonel McIntyre never deigned to join us?" Charles moaned, rubbing the back of his neck.

"We could've used Margaret's help in there as well," BJ complained, "maybe locking her up wasn't such a good idea."

"Hey look you two! We made it without them and it was a necessary evil to carry out our plan, okay? Trapper knows what he's doing and..."

He stopped talking as Radar hurried up to them! He looked as if he were about to tell them the worst possible news ever! Hawkeye put up a hand in a halting motion!

"Stop! Stop right there! Let us get back to the swamp and get a few drinks in us, before you tell us whatever you have to tell us!" he said. Radar wisely kept quiet, then followed after the doctors, as they made their way back to the swamp, then collapsed on their cots. Radar stood looking distinctly uncomfortable.

Hawkeye and Charles had both eyes closed but BJ watched Radar.

"Okay, Radar? What is it?" he asked softly. Radar reached into his pocket, walked over to BJ and handed him the telegram. BJ read it then slowly stood up.

"Hawk? Charles? You'd better hear this!" he exclaimed. Hawkeye's eyes came open immediately but Charles had started snoring!

"Charles!" BJ yelled but Winchester did not wake up. Hawkeye waved him off.

"We'll tell him when he wakes up. What is it?" Hawkeye asked casually, yawning. BJ slapped the telegram against Hawkeye's chest and walked out of the tent! Hawkeye read it and his eyes grew huge!

"No...no, no, no...no, no... **NO**!" Hawkeye finally yelled. Charles awoke at that moment and sat up startled!

"What in God's name are you going on about?" Charles asked crankily. He then watched as Hawkeye handed Radar back the telegram and ran out as well. Radar looked at Charles.

"There was no mistake the first time. Colonel McIntyre is going home. Only Major Burns is returning-as our new Colonel." Radar said gloomily.

Charles stretched and stood up.

"Alright, I have heard about the infamous Dr. Burns but surely he can't be as bad as all of that?"

Radar's response was to hand Charles the telegram and walk out of the swamp.

* * *

Trapper was packing very quickly! He had to be out of here in an hour! Margaret entered his tent and folded her arms.

"Word is getting around, 'Colonel'. Only I guess you aren't really one, are you?" she asked wryly. Trapper eyed her.

"And that means you don't quite like me the same, now that I'm just a Captain, right?" he asked bitterly.

"Hey! Don't take that tone with me. When this war was over, or when you were actually sent home, you were going back to your wife. I always knew that. I'm not angry so why are you?" she asked, stepping further into the tent.

Trapper stopped packing suddenly and gave her his full attention.

"I don't know that that would have been the case, if we had had more time! I don't know that. I actually liked being a Colonel, Margaret. And I liked having you by my side-however I could have you." he said, sighing. Margaret smiled at him and began to close the distance between them, when Hawkeye barged in!

"Hey! You have to do something! I can't serve under Frank! You remember what things were like when he filled in for Henry! He's impossible! Impossible is actually too kind a word! You have to do something! Tell them you want to stay or..." Hawkeye trailed off before throwing his hands up in the air and sitting down in a nearby chair. Margaret actually felt for Hawkeye. She wasn't especially interested in seeing Frank again either.

"I'm not happy about this either, pal." Trapper said gently, "but maybe it won't be as bad as all that."

"Coming from someone that won't be here to suffer!" Hawkeye snapped. "Look, I'm sorry, I just can't believe anyone would make Frank a Colonel. I don't even care that he is. I just don't want him to be **OUR** Colonel!"

What Hawkeye would not realize at the time, was that he was about to get his wish, but the circumstances by which it would come about, would be horrifying.

* * *

 **ONE MONTH LATER-**

Margaret smiled at Klinger and accepted his well wishes at her going away party. She had put in for a transfer to the 4076th and would be serving under their new colonel-Frank Burns.

She knew no one thought that made any sense at all. But Margaret didn't care. Her decisions weren't supposed to make sense to other people, just herself.

In the time Trapper had been gone, he had sent her a letter that she had never opened. Margaret didn't know if she would ever be able to open it, but for now, it was packed away with her other things. She took a deep breath as Hawkeye sat down next to her.

"Margaret, I get why you're doing this. I do. But what you think is going to happen, might not." he said gently. Margaret looked him in the eye.

"The man you all called 'Old Trapper' and my dear friend, Starch, disappeared into thin air after leaving here! They are not dead! They have clearly been captured. I have no intention of letting Frank ruin the good reputation that the **REAL** Colonel McIntyre made for the 4076th. I am going to stay there and watch Frank, who as far as I am concerned, is nothing more than a placeholder." she said firmly.

Hawkeye had no words of response to that. Her tone said it all. And he knew on some level, she blamed their antics for contributing to what happened to the Older Trapper and Major Willoughby.

"I got a letter from Trapper. Our Trapper." Hawkeye offered, not wanting to leave her alone in her anger.

"Did you?" Margaret said stiffly.

"Margaret, his marriage is falling apart. The new job he took...the hours..."

"Captain Pierce, 'Captain McIntyre' took Colonel McIntyre's position at his hospital. He shouldn't have done that. Now if you don't mind..." Margaret said and began to stand up. But Hawkeye grabbed her arm!

"Hey! I am worried sick about you, okay? **SICK**! You don't look like you're about to explode with rage, you look as if you're about to fall apart from it! We care about you here! I care, BJ cares...even Charles cares! We don't want to see you wasting your talents with that jack ass Burns, and we don't want you waiting for someone that isn't coming back! Even if Colonel McIntyre and Major Willoughby were captured..."

"Don't you dare say it!" Margaret snapped and jumped up from her table and left! She hurried to her tent and slammed the door behind her! Margaret then took deep breaths to try and calm herself! She could not stay here! There was no commanding officer or order or...or anything to hold on to.

The sound of a jeep with clear engine trouble, cut through her thoughts. Margaret turned and looked out of her door. A tall, rugged man that clearly wore the uniform of a colonel, got out of his jeep. His driver saluted him and then drove around to another part of the camp to get the vehicle looked at.

Margaret found herself leaving her tent and walking up to the man. She saluted him.

"Major Houlihan, sir!" Margaret said.

"Colonel Donald Penobscott, your new commanding officer. Could you show me where my office is, Major?" he asked, his white teeth gleaming in the sunlight.

"Oh yes sir." Margaret said, as if in a trance. She then quickly shook herself out of it and walked with Colonel Penobscott towards the office that would now be his. Maybe Hawkeye had had a point. Maybe she had acted hastily. Just a bit. She could not change what was or obsess over what she could not control.

Now that she realized that, all she had to do now was get her transfer reversed, so she could stay here and serve under Colonel Penobscott. Colonel Donald Penobscott. She wondered if he was married?

 **THE END**


End file.
